Moving Forward: Heartbreak and Hope
It's amazing how it can feel like everything is crashing down around you, yet life continues. The days keep passing, work still needs to be done, we still need to eat and sleep. We have to continue on.
I am incredibly good at ignoring emotions and throwing myself into whatever needs to be done. I come from a family of workaholics, and I am completely capable of following suit. I can accomplish everything that I need to get done in a day, and still feel like I didn't do enough because I didn't work ahead, didn't get that little bit extra done.
A few years ago, when I had a miscarriage, I didn't miss a single day of work. Since we found out that we wouldn't be adopting a baby as planned, I have had 5 snow and cold days. Even if I wasn't dealing with grief and loss, 5 unplanned days off is way too many. Especially when I'm essentially housebound. I get bored way too easily. And during these 5 days I couldn't run away from my emotions. I couldn't bury myself in whatever else "needed" my attention.
Normally during snow days I clean my house and cook meals. I do laundry - including sheets and towels. I might play the piano for awhile, snuggle up with a book. Last year I even painted my living room during a pair of snow days. But I keep myself busy.
During the 5 days we've had in the last 2 weeks, I've accomplished very little. I did some laundry. I cooked a lot - which is essentially a form of therapy for me. Mostly I laid on the couch and let Netflix play for hours, never letting my phone out of my sight, just in case.
The phone call I was hoping for never came. Instead, our birth mom decided to keep her baby.
During my hours of sitting at home, my mind drifted back to my first blog post a few years ago and Proverbs 19:21 - "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Once again, I let myself make so many plans for a life with this baby.
The other passage that kept coming to mind was 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."
For the last two or three weeks, this passage from 1 Thessalonians has been speaking to my heart. I can't say that I have mastered rejoicing always or giving things in all circumstances. But prayer has always been something that I've loved, and I'm trying to be as thankful and joyful as I can considering the circumstances.
I teach catechism at our church. One theme that's come up several times this year has been that no matter the circumstance, we should turn to God. It doesn't mean that everything will be perfect and easy right away. But if you turn to God, then everything will work out in the long run. We're very careful to remember that having things work out doesn't mean everything will go our way, but it means that with God, we will be able to get through anything. I think that is cause for joy and thankfulness.
Jacob and I had big plans for the baby we were planning to adopt. For as long as we've been together, Jacob has joked about someday having twins. While if twins came along I wouldn't be upset, it's not something that I am hoping for. Shortly after we decided to pursue adoption with this specific mother and child, we found out that I was pregnant. While terrified and stressed, we were incredibly full of joy and thankfulness. Finally we were going to have a family of our own. And Jacob was basically getting his twins.
Of course, this pregnancy has not been without fear and has been filled with a whole lot of prayer. The loss and heartache we experienced 2 years ago was more than enough for us. As our appointments kept going well, we made more and more plans for our almost twins. Every purchase we made was with two babies in mind. We knew how we were going to arrange the baby room to fit two cribs, and we reserved two spots at a nearby daycare.
But things change. Three weeks ago I ended up in the ER because I was experiencing bleeding and cramping. They couldn't pinpoint a cause for these symptoms and found a strong heartbeat and active baby on the ultrasound. I went home and was placed on a short term bedrest and told to monitor the symptoms. Thankfully, the bleeding slowed, and the cramps went away. I've been to my own doctor twice since then and the heartbeat is strong and everything looks good.
For a while I thought that we had lost another pregnancy, that we would only have one baby, and that all our plans were once again changing. We would only have one baby. Then they were all back together again for a short week. We were again expecting almost twins and still delighted. But of course, God had other plans.
I am heartbroken that our adoption fell through. I am rejoicing for the baby that we are expecting in July. The mix of emotions is complex and confusing, even as I experience them. The thing is that no baby will replace the one we lost two years ago. No baby will replace the one we didn't get to adopt. And I don't want them to be replaced. It's easy for people to gloss over the hurt and focus on the joy. I am no less sad about our failed adoption because we have another baby on the way. I'm no less excited for the baby on the way because of the children we've lost.
My biggest fear in announcing our pregnancy is that people will gloss over our grief and say something along the lines of "at least you have another baby." While this will technically be our first baby, it's really our third. If you ask anybody who has lost a child, whether through miscarriage or some other way, it's not something you forget and it's not something you can replace. Each child is their own, and the two babies we've lost each hold a piece of my heart.
Jacob and I have so much to be thankful for. We have been surrounded by so much love, support, and generosity for the last few months as we worked towards adopting, and in the past few weeks as we've mourned our loss of the baby. We can rejoice in the gift of family and friends that God has blessed us with.
We want to thank you all for allowing us the space to grieve. It's not over yet, and we ask that you continue to give us that space.
We also invite you to join us in the joy and excitement of the baby we're expecting. While you share in this joy, please remember that this baby isn't replacing what we've lost, but a separate person and a separate blessing.
I first remember hearing James 1:2-3 on an Adventures in Odyssey tape, probably in my mom's van or listening as my sister and I were going to bed at night. It says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, for the testing of your faith develops perseverance." It's hard to find joy during the hard times of life. But every time that I've faced a hard time and chosen to turn to God, my faith and trust in Him has grown stronger. Nobody ever said that being a Christian was going to be easy. Nobody every said that everything would be black and white and that life would be a happy little fairy tale. But if we follow what is taught in James 1:2-3, Proverbs 19:21 and 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (and countless other passages in the Bible), we will turn to God, we will find the joy, and through Him, we will find peace and hope.
My heart is broken, but it is also hopeful. Only my faith and trust in God could bring me the peace that I am feeling now.
I teach catechism at our church. One theme that's come up several times this year has been that no matter the circumstance, we should turn to God. It doesn't mean that everything will be perfect and easy right away. But if you turn to God, then everything will work out in the long run. We're very careful to remember that having things work out doesn't mean everything will go our way, but it means that with God, we will be able to get through anything. I think that is cause for joy and thankfulness.
Jacob and I had big plans for the baby we were planning to adopt. For as long as we've been together, Jacob has joked about someday having twins. While if twins came along I wouldn't be upset, it's not something that I am hoping for. Shortly after we decided to pursue adoption with this specific mother and child, we found out that I was pregnant. While terrified and stressed, we were incredibly full of joy and thankfulness. Finally we were going to have a family of our own. And Jacob was basically getting his twins.
Of course, this pregnancy has not been without fear and has been filled with a whole lot of prayer. The loss and heartache we experienced 2 years ago was more than enough for us. As our appointments kept going well, we made more and more plans for our almost twins. Every purchase we made was with two babies in mind. We knew how we were going to arrange the baby room to fit two cribs, and we reserved two spots at a nearby daycare.
But things change. Three weeks ago I ended up in the ER because I was experiencing bleeding and cramping. They couldn't pinpoint a cause for these symptoms and found a strong heartbeat and active baby on the ultrasound. I went home and was placed on a short term bedrest and told to monitor the symptoms. Thankfully, the bleeding slowed, and the cramps went away. I've been to my own doctor twice since then and the heartbeat is strong and everything looks good.
For a while I thought that we had lost another pregnancy, that we would only have one baby, and that all our plans were once again changing. We would only have one baby. Then they were all back together again for a short week. We were again expecting almost twins and still delighted. But of course, God had other plans.
I am heartbroken that our adoption fell through. I am rejoicing for the baby that we are expecting in July. The mix of emotions is complex and confusing, even as I experience them. The thing is that no baby will replace the one we lost two years ago. No baby will replace the one we didn't get to adopt. And I don't want them to be replaced. It's easy for people to gloss over the hurt and focus on the joy. I am no less sad about our failed adoption because we have another baby on the way. I'm no less excited for the baby on the way because of the children we've lost.
My biggest fear in announcing our pregnancy is that people will gloss over our grief and say something along the lines of "at least you have another baby." While this will technically be our first baby, it's really our third. If you ask anybody who has lost a child, whether through miscarriage or some other way, it's not something you forget and it's not something you can replace. Each child is their own, and the two babies we've lost each hold a piece of my heart.
Jacob and I have so much to be thankful for. We have been surrounded by so much love, support, and generosity for the last few months as we worked towards adopting, and in the past few weeks as we've mourned our loss of the baby. We can rejoice in the gift of family and friends that God has blessed us with.
We want to thank you all for allowing us the space to grieve. It's not over yet, and we ask that you continue to give us that space.
We also invite you to join us in the joy and excitement of the baby we're expecting. While you share in this joy, please remember that this baby isn't replacing what we've lost, but a separate person and a separate blessing.
I first remember hearing James 1:2-3 on an Adventures in Odyssey tape, probably in my mom's van or listening as my sister and I were going to bed at night. It says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, for the testing of your faith develops perseverance." It's hard to find joy during the hard times of life. But every time that I've faced a hard time and chosen to turn to God, my faith and trust in Him has grown stronger. Nobody ever said that being a Christian was going to be easy. Nobody every said that everything would be black and white and that life would be a happy little fairy tale. But if we follow what is taught in James 1:2-3, Proverbs 19:21 and 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (and countless other passages in the Bible), we will turn to God, we will find the joy, and through Him, we will find peace and hope.
My heart is broken, but it is also hopeful. Only my faith and trust in God could bring me the peace that I am feeling now.
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