Praising God Amidst the Pain

Last week, Jacob and I attended a family reunion.  My mom’s family has gotten together every other summer for as long as I can remember.  I hadn’t been able to attend the previous reunion (the only one I’ve ever missed), and I was excited to see my grandma, aunts, uncles, and cousins all together again.  We had so much fun.  We played yard games, board games, sat in circles chatting, built bonfires, and in general simply enjoyed each other’s company. 

One afternoon, most of the guys went golfing, and two of my cousins were working to prepare the meal that their husbands had planned, then handed off to them in order to golf with everyone else.  My other cousins and I were more than happy to play with their kids for them.  At one point, I picked up the baby because he was fussy. 

I couldn’t put him down.

He needed a nap, and so I walked around the yard, watching the others as they played various games, darted around after balls, laughing and enjoying their time together.  All I could do was hold this baby tight, even after he fell asleep I couldn’t put him down.  I kept holding him tight, kept walking around the edges of the yard, and even shed a few tears over what might have been. 

There should have been four babies at this reunion, not three.

I have a beautiful extended family.  They begin each meal with devotions and often singing. Before my grandpa passed away, he would walk around the house singing hymns to himself.  Jacob even told me that he was singing hymns to himself at the dance during my cousin’s wedding reception

One of our family’s favorite hymns is the doxology.  When we lost our baby, praising God was not easy.  There are still times where I wonder why, where I feel the loss more acutely, where I wish that I had my own baby in my arms.  But Jacob and I have chosen to praise God despite those feelings. 

I held the baby for close to an hour.  I did eventually sit down, because my arms did get tired, and once he woke up, I handed him off to my mom.  Although my heart was aching, I was so thankful for the three little boys at our family reunion.  I was thankful for the joy and laughter that they brought.  I was thankful for the unconditional love that they showed. And I was thankful for the time we got to spend together.

Later that night I talked to another cousin about life, and it evolved into miscarriage and loss.  She has a beautiful, playful, and loving little boy.  She cried for me and with me.  Once again I felt thankful. Thankful for the kindness and love she was showing.  Thankful for the support we’ve felt from so many people.  Thankful to God for the family He blessed us with.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.