Baby Feet
Mother's Day. This year Mother's Day brings on a whole new meaning for me. One of grief and pain.
Jacob and I had heard of all the statistics. We knew several stories of loss. But knowing the possibilities, and experiencing the physical and emotional pain are two very different things.
At the beginning of August, I was exhausted, food was gross, and I could literally smell the water in my shower. I took a pregnancy test. It was positive.
We told our parents immediately, partly to share in joy and excitement, and partly because we aren't 26, and we don't have our own insurance plan.
We bought baby things and maternity things. We discussed names. We had so many plans.
At one of our appointments, we saw our baby via ultrasound. The heartbeat was strong and fast. We were more excited than ever.
One month later we went in for another routine appointment. Everything was great. We had plans to meet a friend for pizza afterwards. We had all the plans in the world.
Our baby had no heartbeat.
My precious, loved baby had died. They did an ultrasound to be sure. I stayed pretty emotionless at the doctor's office. Jacob almost passed out. The doctor told us it wasn't our fault. The ultrasound tech, who knew who we were, gave me a hug and told us she would be praying. We went home, numb.
I decided to wait and have a natural miscarriage. I started bleeding about a week and a half later. I was bleeding and cramping heavily by Saturday. Jacob had some unchangeable commitments, and a dear friend came over and watched Friends with me, comforting me as I went through the day. Jacob was home again for the worst of it. I bled for two more weeks. Through it all I didn't miss a single day of school, a single youth group event. I pushed on.
A few weeks later, Jacob and I were visiting a church. The pastor preached on Proverbs 19:21: "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails" (NIV).
I don't remember anything else about that sermon. I simply remember the verse. We had had so many plans.
I don't think God wanted our baby to die. I believe that comes from the sin and the pain and hurt that comes from the fall. I do think that no matter what plans Jacob and I make, and through the pain that we have dealt with, through the redeeming work of Christ, the glory of the Lord will prevail.
My baby is an important part of my life, and always will be. I have a plaque of Proverbs 19:21 in my kitchen. I have a figurine of two parents and a baby next to my bed. Jacob and I had a special dinner date on my due date. So far today I've cried four times.
But no matter how broken my heart is, no matter how emotional I may get, no matter how long it is before we're able to have another baby, the Lord's purpose will prevail.
I have two tattoos. I got my first in college. It says "beloved" and comes from Deuteronomy 33:12 "Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him" (NIV). Jacob and I both got baby feet on our arms in October. We want to always remember our precious little one, in the arms of our faithful savior.
We are the beloved of the Lord. We are secure in His arms. And in His arms I seek comfort. In His arms I find rest and peace.
This Mother's Day is so hard for me. I know it is hard for so many others. I pray that those struggling with the pain of loss, infertility, or for those just tired of waiting, to find their rest, peace, and comfort in the Lord. Because that's the only place it will truly come from.
Jacob and I had heard of all the statistics. We knew several stories of loss. But knowing the possibilities, and experiencing the physical and emotional pain are two very different things.
At the beginning of August, I was exhausted, food was gross, and I could literally smell the water in my shower. I took a pregnancy test. It was positive.
We told our parents immediately, partly to share in joy and excitement, and partly because we aren't 26, and we don't have our own insurance plan.
We bought baby things and maternity things. We discussed names. We had so many plans.
At one of our appointments, we saw our baby via ultrasound. The heartbeat was strong and fast. We were more excited than ever.
One month later we went in for another routine appointment. Everything was great. We had plans to meet a friend for pizza afterwards. We had all the plans in the world.
Our baby had no heartbeat.
My precious, loved baby had died. They did an ultrasound to be sure. I stayed pretty emotionless at the doctor's office. Jacob almost passed out. The doctor told us it wasn't our fault. The ultrasound tech, who knew who we were, gave me a hug and told us she would be praying. We went home, numb.
I decided to wait and have a natural miscarriage. I started bleeding about a week and a half later. I was bleeding and cramping heavily by Saturday. Jacob had some unchangeable commitments, and a dear friend came over and watched Friends with me, comforting me as I went through the day. Jacob was home again for the worst of it. I bled for two more weeks. Through it all I didn't miss a single day of school, a single youth group event. I pushed on.
A few weeks later, Jacob and I were visiting a church. The pastor preached on Proverbs 19:21: "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails" (NIV).
I don't remember anything else about that sermon. I simply remember the verse. We had had so many plans.
I don't think God wanted our baby to die. I believe that comes from the sin and the pain and hurt that comes from the fall. I do think that no matter what plans Jacob and I make, and through the pain that we have dealt with, through the redeeming work of Christ, the glory of the Lord will prevail.
My baby is an important part of my life, and always will be. I have a plaque of Proverbs 19:21 in my kitchen. I have a figurine of two parents and a baby next to my bed. Jacob and I had a special dinner date on my due date. So far today I've cried four times.
But no matter how broken my heart is, no matter how emotional I may get, no matter how long it is before we're able to have another baby, the Lord's purpose will prevail.
I have two tattoos. I got my first in college. It says "beloved" and comes from Deuteronomy 33:12 "Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him" (NIV). Jacob and I both got baby feet on our arms in October. We want to always remember our precious little one, in the arms of our faithful savior.
We are the beloved of the Lord. We are secure in His arms. And in His arms I seek comfort. In His arms I find rest and peace.
This Mother's Day is so hard for me. I know it is hard for so many others. I pray that those struggling with the pain of loss, infertility, or for those just tired of waiting, to find their rest, peace, and comfort in the Lord. Because that's the only place it will truly come from.
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